Up Hill Battle

[weathering_it]

Everything about this is out of Anna Weatherhill's element: Standing in front of the office door of a learned man waiting to request his knowledge, meeting with anyone other than family for her health, talking openly about something normally reserved for shameful whispers or shouting matches...

But this is Doctor Hill she's here to see. Doctor Hill who was the first stranger in a very long time to treat her with some patience and sympathy. Dignity, even. He wasn't the sort of person to look down on her -- Crazy Anna -- and only in that regard is this meeting so intimidating. She desperately wants him to think positively of her, to continue treating her in the way he did the last time they met. And yet here she is, facing the prospect of baring the most intimate of her secrets to him.

Unbeknownst to her, Anna Weatherhill is experiencing the universal sensation of pre-therapy jitters. The combination of hope for the future and utter dread of everything else. But the only cure for that is to put it all in the past. Nothin' to it but to do it, and other such pointless phrases, as her brother might say. And so...

She knocks.

"Doctor Hill?" she calls, then tilts her head toward the crack in the door to listen for his reply. "It's Anna Weatherhill?" Light, she's already losing confidence in her own identity and the session hasn't even begun. "I don't know if you remember me, but I know you know my brother. Um." A slight hesitation before she deigns to say the name, "Harrowheart?"

A few more seconds pass before she thinks to ask, "Do I need an appointment, or may I come in?"

Comments

[workthroughit]

"No, no. Please, say whatever you feel needs to be said or you feel is relevant. Even if it's long, it will still inform how treatment can proceed. Do you mind if I take notes as we speak?" Not everyone's wild about someone scribbling down secrets while you exchange thoughts and words. Normally, he uses this to intentionally unnerve. But things are different when a genuine patient who isn't Josh comes knocking. As is, Dr. Hill has yet to even pick up his fountain pen and the yellow legal pad on his desk is blank.

"When you talk about Crazy Anna...What is she like? Why is her behaviour considered unwanted? Or disruptive? Also, if I can give a slightly unprofessional aside, you're probably not much worse off not meeting Mr. Ixis Naugus on a regular basis. He's a prickly one, going off my observations." He laughs lightly.

[weathering_it]

Anna shakes her head and quickly waves her arm when Doctor Hill asks about taking notes. She wouldn't have minded from the start, it seems, and he's probably got a lot of catching up to do at this point!

His comments about Ixis Naugus get a shy little laugh, a feigned embarrassment to be gossiping about someone unpleasant. It makes it easier to segue into the next topic, which requires a mixture of honesty and restraint.

"Crazy Anna isn't evil," she clarifies first and foremost. "She doesn't hurt people on purpose, but sometimes she does things that make other people feel hurt. Really, she's just... Enthusiastic." Anna is already spinning the public relations, evidently.

"But the problem is that Crazy Anna's enthusiasm doesn't really... Stop... Ever... Not until she goes away. So she talks about things too much or too fast, and people get frustrated with her. When she goes shopping, she spends money she doesn't have, which causes problems sometimes. She's nicer than Normal Anna? Things that bother me don't really bother her. She can laugh everything off and forget about it right away. But that makes my family angry, because usually the things that get laughed off are... You know..." She shrugs and winces and quietly admits, "Admonishments."

She returns to a conversational volume and expression in short order. "But if I can be honest? I don't mind being Crazy Anna once she shows up. Everything feels good when it happens. She has a ton of ideas, which nobody else seems to think are all that great, and just a load of energy. She doesn't sleep much, which means more time for thinking up ideas and doing them, which I think is fantastic, but my parents..."

She winces again. This feels awkward to talk about, but somehow she can't seem to stop. The mere mention of Crazy Anna is riling up her urge to speak ceaselessly. Or maybe it's the fact that it's Doctor Hill she's talking to? He's understanding. He's an adult. He can talk about serious things.

"It's why my parents keep me on the property as much as they can. I've hardly ever gotten to meet people outside my family, especially guys, because they think Crazy Anna might take me to town one day and I'll come back home a year later with a baby that Normal Anna and everyone else has to deal with."

[workthroughit]

Dr. Hill, now given permission to take notes, selects a pen and begins to do so. A quick title at the top that is Anna's potential case file designation, then a series of chicken scratch thoughts whenever Anna says something worthy of writing down. There doesn't seem to be a pattern or doesn't happen whenever Anna says something potentially incriminating; just whenever a notion or an idea seems to happen based on her descriptions or actions. All the while, he nods in agreement or understanding off and on.

"Does the other Anna- I'm sorry, I hardly think what you're saying counts as crazy and saying it seems...mean-spirited. The only reason I would continue to say "Crazy Anna" is to distinguish as you are then and how you are when you are not. But as I was saying: Does the other Anna come regularly? Are there set times when you can feel her arrival? Or are her visits unpredictable? Or even prompted?"

Dr. Hill looks down again at his notepad to jot another addition to an existing note, a large question mark following it before he's got his eyes back on Anna. "May I also ask how old you are? And how determined are your parents at keeping you home? Would you be able to leave if you truly needed or wanted to? Do you ever feel unsafe with their measures? And are they still doing it now that you live here in the Nexus?" This is a thing that might need to be addressed first and foremost if it's an actual problem. Dr. Alan J. Hill isn't afraid to confront potential abusers. Not now, not ever. One could argue it's even his purpose...

[weathering_it]

Anna listens to Dr. Hill's justifications for designating certain things as crazy and not, Now and Then, but is largely unmoved by it all. She watches him like a person might watch a bird on a branch, careful not to move too much and disturb it as she takes in its behavior. Her thoughtful silence continues on as he asks about her parents, broken only by the occasional twitch of her eyebrows, a reining in of the immediate and illogical urge to defend her family.

"Crazy Anna shows up... Once a year, probably? Usually in the summer? Things get hot, and I get antsy. I start to have a hard time sleeping, and that's when I know she's going to be here. Most times she sticks around until fall, when the weather cools down. Usually there's a break between Crazy Anna in the hot times of the year and Sad Anna when the winter storms come in from the ocean."

All of this was in preparation for the harder set of questions, which Anna clearly has to focus on keeping a level head to answer. "I'm thirty years old," she forces past the rage at the fact. "I am thirty years old and they treat me like I'm twelve. And I feel so... Stupid and young compared to everyone else my age – or, or younger even. I know Isidor's younger than me, but when I was around her last time I still felt like a child and I hated it."

She closes her eyes and turns her head very slightly away to find her center again. Don't get angry, and especially don't cry. Definitely don't cry after you said you felt like a child. That's only going to prove it to the doctor. She spends a few seconds in silence this way before she returns her attention to him and finishes the rest of his questions.

"If I really had to get away, I could. I know I didn't make a great impression with some folks around here, but, still, they're my brother's friends. I'm sure someone would let me stay with them. But it's never been bad like that. There were some times I wished I could have run away, and... I guess I could have, but... It's scary? Wondering what happens if I do what my parents tell me not to. It's scary. I've never really done that before. Not when I'm Normal Anna, anyway. And besides, it's not like I'm not safe. I know they do it because they want me to be safe. It's just... So boring, that's all. I feel like half my life went by and I didn't get to do anything with it." With a scoff she says, "I guess I could have run away like my brother. Just shoved off to go wallow in my problems somewhere exotic."

She purposefully changes the subject as quickly as she catches herself talking about it. "They don't stop me from going out here in the Nexus, no. No one else really wants to explore it, so they send me to buy supplies. They're all happy staying on the Ixis' property watching over these... Strange little... Manimals he's got..."

[workthroughit]

Regardless of tears being successful in their arrival or not, by the time Anna turns her head back towards the doctor, there's a box of kleenex on her side of the desk. It didn't sound like the doctor moved to fetch or nudge it, so maybe it was just there the whole time and she didn't notice.

Dr. Hill laughs, an actual note of mirth that isn't just a smile or a chuckle, when she mentions the manimals. "Oh, the chao! Little, wobbly pastel creatures? I've seen them from time to time. They seem very friendly! I would imagine caring for them would be more like a daycare than farming. Do you resent the little creatures? Or just your family's willingness to let them be the extent of their Nexus experience?"

And speaking of resentment, Dr. Hill sets aside his pen to address the next point, freeing up his hands for gesturing and talking with them. "I consider the Nexus a place of opportunity. Doors opening to a greater range of futures and possibilities than what would otherwise be. I'm sure you understand that intimately, what with being able to resettle here after the demonic issues back home. But escape shouldn't be the limit of what the Nexus can do for you, Anna." Though he pauses, thinks, and then smiles ruefully. "Well, unless you want to call your attempts at independence an 'escape'."

Dr. Hill straightens up in his chair as he continues. "I don't think any of the resentment you feel is unusual or unwarrented. You are a grown woman. One who may have some underlying issues, yes, but they are issues that can be managed once they're identified and addressed. As it stands, I feel I may already know some ways to do so, as I have some suspicions of what causes 'Crazy Anna' to surface or take over. That all being said, I think the Nexus is a unique and profound opportunity for you especially, Anna. There's no better place to gain knowledge and find your own way."

[weathering_it]

Anna frowns thoughtfully as she listens. Some things he says make more sense than others, and some things feel strangely bitter for a man who isn't exactly sharing her situation. Something about that rueful smile makes her eyebrow twitch, and she thinks immediately of Isidor and her doubts about the man.

"What are you suggesting?" she asks uncertainly. "What do you think I should do, Doctor? To gain knowledge, to have experiences? You seem to have some idea, but... I... I don't think I follow? Are you suggesting I move out? Live on my own, I mean?..."

[workthroughit]

"Mm, not right away, no. It would be best to keep you a stable and familiar environment while we exercise our options with medication and treatment. Are you opposed to that, by any chance? Taking pills to try and help manage your symptoms? It might take a bit of trial and error to see which ones work best for you, but I think once we find that balance, the difference they would make would feel quite dramatic."

Dr. Hill straightens up, letting his chair roll a little closer to the desk. "But I think asserting some independence and gaining some life experience might be right as well, when the time comes. You've been sheltered a great deal out of love, yes, but also out of a misled certainty that your own life would be in shambles if you were left to your own devices. I don't think that's true. Do you?"

[weathering_it]

"Pills?" Anna asks with an incredulous laugh. He can't be serious. Can he? She tilts her head to the side and smiles uncertainly, waiting for a punchline that doesn't come. He moves right on to the subject of independence and moving out, but her mind is still a step behind.

When he's quiet again she asks, "Pills can fix this? You mean like a little tablet? Of medicine? All I have to do is take a pill, and... It just... Goes away?"

But asking a question which to him must seem so ignorant brings her a sense of shame. She pushes it from her mind and focuses instead on the subject which must be more important. Determined, and trying to look more mature than she just had, she shakes her head. "I know my life wouldn't fall apart if I were on my own. If –" She hesitates, nearly says the wrong thing. "My brother can live on his own, there's no reason I can't do the same. I have my stuff together way more than him, even with Crazy Anna."

She watches him momentarily, some unspoken longing in her eyes. Eventually she sheepishly adds, "But if I could take pills and get together a little more... I-I wouldn't be against it..."

[workthroughit]

"Pills wouldn't fix everything, I'm afraid. It wouldn't negate all of your problems or symptoms. But it would make them far, far more manageable. Easier to predict, easier to control. Easier to function day to day without the fear your problems will overwhelm or undo your progress. And since I have your permission, I'll start looking into what doses and medications you should be given going forward." He gives Anna a reassuring smile. "I already have a few in mind that will be good starting points."

Her throwing Harrowheart under the bus doesn't get a comment, but it does get a wry smile. That boy.