Up Hill Battle

[weathering_it]

Everything about this is out of Anna Weatherhill's element: Standing in front of the office door of a learned man waiting to request his knowledge, meeting with anyone other than family for her health, talking openly about something normally reserved for shameful whispers or shouting matches...

But this is Doctor Hill she's here to see. Doctor Hill who was the first stranger in a very long time to treat her with some patience and sympathy. Dignity, even. He wasn't the sort of person to look down on her -- Crazy Anna -- and only in that regard is this meeting so intimidating. She desperately wants him to think positively of her, to continue treating her in the way he did the last time they met. And yet here she is, facing the prospect of baring the most intimate of her secrets to him.

Unbeknownst to her, Anna Weatherhill is experiencing the universal sensation of pre-therapy jitters. The combination of hope for the future and utter dread of everything else. But the only cure for that is to put it all in the past. Nothin' to it but to do it, and other such pointless phrases, as her brother might say. And so...

She knocks.

"Doctor Hill?" she calls, then tilts her head toward the crack in the door to listen for his reply. "It's Anna Weatherhill?" Light, she's already losing confidence in her own identity and the session hasn't even begun. "I don't know if you remember me, but I know you know my brother. Um." A slight hesitation before she deigns to say the name, "Harrowheart?"

A few more seconds pass before she thinks to ask, "Do I need an appointment, or may I come in?"

Comments

[workthroughit]

There's a moment's pause, and then the cracked door opens wider still, giving Anna enough room to poke her head inside or take that first step. There is no waiting room (this time); the door leads directly into the office proper. The delicate strings of one of Mendelssohn's symphonies drift through the air and the light is warm and amber, the sunlight of a pleasant summer afternoon.

"Anna! Wonderful of you to stop by," is the eventual accented reply, the door creeping open just a bit wider still, inviting the woman inside. The doctor himself is further in his office proper, sorting leatherbound volumes of medical encyclopedias on the far wall across from his desk. The looming demonic mural fixed to the wall above the shelves the doctor is presently near are just about the only thing to cut short the welcoming atmosphere.

Dr. Hill turns to face Anna, the book he'd had in hand now pinned to his side with one crooked arm, smiling broadly as he gestures to the seat situated in front of his desk. "Please. Make yourself comfortable. Are you here to see me about something in particular? Or is this just a friendly calling?"

[weathering_it]

That demon mural. Why would anyone own it? Anna has read an awful lot of books and she's sure it serves a symbolic purpose, but all possibilities lead to such grimness that she'd rather consider its reasoning being less ominous. Perhaps Doctor Hill simply enjoys the art? Its painter was incredibly talented, after all. Or maybe, now knowing what a psychiatrist is and does, it really is a warning and reminder that any of us can slip away into the grasp of our demons.

It's a noticeably long while that Anna stands in the doorway inspecting that art from afar even after she's been invited in. Eventually, though, she remembers her manners and tears her attention away from demons dragging souls into The Pit. She smiles warmly when her eyes find Dr. Hill, then tucks her hair behind her ear as she ducks into the office. She's mindful to shut the door behind her as she replies, "Ssssort of something particular?"

She takes that invitation to approach his desk, but doesn't sit quite yet. Instead she leans against the patients' chair and another quiet moment passes, this time with her inspecting the doctor's face. He's charming, especially in his age. There's something she finds so infectious about the little twist at the corners of his lips when he smiles.

"I never noticed how happy your eyes look, Doctor," she says, then smiles herself, a little embarrassed at having admitted it. It's hard to imagine not trusting him despite his eccentricities. Something in her wants to make Isidor change her mind about him, but those are thoughts better left unvoiced. She waves away her compliment and tries to get down to business.

"A-anyway, Doctor. I came here because... I was speaking with a friend of mine, and... Oh, I don't want to get into a long story, but she told me what it is that you are?" She raises her eyebrows but doesn't pause long. "A psychiatrist, I mean. She told me what that means. That you're a doctor for minds and behavior? She suggested that... Maybe you could help me with a problem I have?..."

Bringing all of this up feels so counter to everything she's known, but so long as she keeps her eyes more on the friendly doctor and less the fiendish demons she finds it's possible to push through. So far, at least.

[workthroughit]

The doctor appears to take no offense to Anna lingering at the desk rather than taking a seat. It makes perfect sense; easier to keep having a conversation this way, rather than facing an empty space. Her compliment, however, catches him off guard. A surprised blink, and then a wider, genuine smile accompanied by a tilt of his head. "Why, thank you, Anna. What a kind thing to say! I imagine my day is made with such a friendly remark."

Dr. Hill crosses the room once the book in his hand is put back on the shelf. Rather than heading for his desk, though, he approaches the record player. His fingers hover over the needle, looking questioningly at his new patient. "Do you prefer silence? Or perhaps something else? I have a few other records or artists you can choose from, should you want a change in song."

The matter of Anna's mental health isn't ignored just yet, and in case she was almost ready to feel it was, Dr. Hill adds, "I would like everything to be as comfortable as possible for you before we begin a consultation, which I am more than happy to provide. Would you care for any tea as well?"

[weathering_it]

"I'm getting used to hearing strange music all the time," Anna says with a laugh. She points to her ears and explains, "My brother's phone is full of music of all kinds from all sorts of worlds. Listening to sounds from other places is an easy way to feel brave. Easier than meeting strangers, anyway." And so she motions toward the record player and says, "Put on whatever you'd like, or nothing at all. Surprise me."

To the tea she shakes her head, but insists, "If you'd like some I wouldn't be offended if you drank while I don't. I try not to drink too much tea. Or coffee, which is everywhere here. I could go on and on about everything that's different in this place." Laughing somewhat self-consciously she admits, "I think that's my problem."

[workthroughit]

"Very well," he replies before reaching for a vinyl sleeve and switching one record for another. He talks as he does so, explaining, "I have a, hm, certain preference for a composer back in my world called Johann Sebastian Bach. Long, long dead, I'm afraid, but his art remains as powerful and lasting as the days he first wrote it. This is one he composed called Air. See what you think." The needle is placed carefully and after a few moments of soft scratching and hissing, the room is graced with the gentle sounds of violins and viola. Dr. Hill smiles once again, pleased, and then moves at last to his desk.

"Do you not care for the taste of it? Coffee, I mean." He asks as he straightens a few things on his desk, putting away case folders and notes and placing them into various drawers. "Or is the caffeine? Neither of those are unusual, of course. Sometimes I even encourage patients to avoid it if it puts them on edge or interacts poorly with any medication they're on. And while I enjoy a mocha every now and again, we'd all probably be better off if we just learned to manage our energy levels."

Finally, Dr. Hill takes his seat, resting his elbows on his desk, lacing his fingers together. "Where would you like to start, Anna? Maybe you can tell me a little about what you'd like me to help you with. Take your time, of course. We work at your pace and no one else's."

[weathering_it]

"I think controlling my energy levels is the problem," she admits as she takes her seat opposite Dr. Hill. It seems mannerly to fold her hands in her lap while she sits and listens to the music for a second or two. She knows it's supposed to be elegant and refined, but something about Dr. Hill's musical selections always strikes a strange nerve with her. It feels like restrained energy waiting to break free, some kind of hectic chaos bubbling just below the surface that keeps the string instruments from playing at full, frantic speed. The musical equivalent of watching a cat stalk its prey. Or maybe that's just her. She inclines her head and smiles like she enjoys it and returns her attention to the conversation at hand.

"A lot of things have gone on in my life since the last time I spoke with you, Doctor. That thing you did to my brother and me, it... It was a really hard day at first? We spent a lot of it crying and shouting. I'd like to pretend it was because we were children, but deep down... I'm not so sure. I met some of my brother's friends and I'm pretty sure they all thought I was horrible and obnoxious, so I haven't met up with any of them again. Except for the Durants? I like them, and I hope they like me. They told me you know them. Viatorus really seems to like you?"

She puts her cheek in her hand and rests her elbow on the chair as she continues with her story. "Anyway, my meeting with them went really well. Afterwards my brother and I started talking more. He showed up at home pretty often, which was new? He spent a lot of time with the family. Except... I mean, it was totally by coincidence, but one night when he wasn't there with us our house burned down. It's not like I blame him or anything, but it might have gone differently if he'd been there. There were a lot of demons, and..."

Oh, hello massive depiction of demons terrorizing humans. Anna's looking at you again. There's no trauma or pain in the way she considers the scene, though. She's thoughtful, sure, but she isn't exactly moved to tears.

"Well, everyone lived, which is the only thing that matters, right? And eventually my brother came and found us and brought us here, where we've been living with an archmage who calls himself Ixis Naugus. We don't see him much, but I don't mind that. It's strange to be taking care of someone else's property, though? I kind of feel like we're all his, I don't know... Live-in maids. It makes me feel cheap. At least back home we owned our house and our land."

She turns her attention to the window and sighs, half tired and half wistful. "This place is so different, too. There are so many... Things. And more new things keep popping up! Foods we couldn't afford back home that are so cheap and easy to get, technology like I've never seen, people I never knew existed! It makes my mind race. And... I can tell everything is piling up. I'm going to turn into Crazy Anna again, but I'm not ready for it this time. My family needs me to be Regular Anna, because there's too much work to do that nobody trusts Crazy Anna with."

Facing Doctor Hill once more she raises her eyebrows and asks, "Am I talking too much? Am I just babbling? You can stop me if I'm not saying anything worthwhile. Usually people do."

[workthroughit]

"No, no. Please, say whatever you feel needs to be said or you feel is relevant. Even if it's long, it will still inform how treatment can proceed. Do you mind if I take notes as we speak?" Not everyone's wild about someone scribbling down secrets while you exchange thoughts and words. Normally, he uses this to intentionally unnerve. But things are different when a genuine patient who isn't Josh comes knocking. As is, Dr. Hill has yet to even pick up his fountain pen and the yellow legal pad on his desk is blank.

"When you talk about Crazy Anna...What is she like? Why is her behaviour considered unwanted? Or disruptive? Also, if I can give a slightly unprofessional aside, you're probably not much worse off not meeting Mr. Ixis Naugus on a regular basis. He's a prickly one, going off my observations." He laughs lightly.

[weathering_it]

Anna shakes her head and quickly waves her arm when Doctor Hill asks about taking notes. She wouldn't have minded from the start, it seems, and he's probably got a lot of catching up to do at this point!

His comments about Ixis Naugus get a shy little laugh, a feigned embarrassment to be gossiping about someone unpleasant. It makes it easier to segue into the next topic, which requires a mixture of honesty and restraint.

"Crazy Anna isn't evil," she clarifies first and foremost. "She doesn't hurt people on purpose, but sometimes she does things that make other people feel hurt. Really, she's just... Enthusiastic." Anna is already spinning the public relations, evidently.

"But the problem is that Crazy Anna's enthusiasm doesn't really... Stop... Ever... Not until she goes away. So she talks about things too much or too fast, and people get frustrated with her. When she goes shopping, she spends money she doesn't have, which causes problems sometimes. She's nicer than Normal Anna? Things that bother me don't really bother her. She can laugh everything off and forget about it right away. But that makes my family angry, because usually the things that get laughed off are... You know..." She shrugs and winces and quietly admits, "Admonishments."

She returns to a conversational volume and expression in short order. "But if I can be honest? I don't mind being Crazy Anna once she shows up. Everything feels good when it happens. She has a ton of ideas, which nobody else seems to think are all that great, and just a load of energy. She doesn't sleep much, which means more time for thinking up ideas and doing them, which I think is fantastic, but my parents..."

She winces again. This feels awkward to talk about, but somehow she can't seem to stop. The mere mention of Crazy Anna is riling up her urge to speak ceaselessly. Or maybe it's the fact that it's Doctor Hill she's talking to? He's understanding. He's an adult. He can talk about serious things.

"It's why my parents keep me on the property as much as they can. I've hardly ever gotten to meet people outside my family, especially guys, because they think Crazy Anna might take me to town one day and I'll come back home a year later with a baby that Normal Anna and everyone else has to deal with."

[workthroughit]

Dr. Hill, now given permission to take notes, selects a pen and begins to do so. A quick title at the top that is Anna's potential case file designation, then a series of chicken scratch thoughts whenever Anna says something worthy of writing down. There doesn't seem to be a pattern or doesn't happen whenever Anna says something potentially incriminating; just whenever a notion or an idea seems to happen based on her descriptions or actions. All the while, he nods in agreement or understanding off and on.

"Does the other Anna- I'm sorry, I hardly think what you're saying counts as crazy and saying it seems...mean-spirited. The only reason I would continue to say "Crazy Anna" is to distinguish as you are then and how you are when you are not. But as I was saying: Does the other Anna come regularly? Are there set times when you can feel her arrival? Or are her visits unpredictable? Or even prompted?"

Dr. Hill looks down again at his notepad to jot another addition to an existing note, a large question mark following it before he's got his eyes back on Anna. "May I also ask how old you are? And how determined are your parents at keeping you home? Would you be able to leave if you truly needed or wanted to? Do you ever feel unsafe with their measures? And are they still doing it now that you live here in the Nexus?" This is a thing that might need to be addressed first and foremost if it's an actual problem. Dr. Alan J. Hill isn't afraid to confront potential abusers. Not now, not ever. One could argue it's even his purpose...

[weathering_it]

Anna listens to Dr. Hill's justifications for designating certain things as crazy and not, Now and Then, but is largely unmoved by it all. She watches him like a person might watch a bird on a branch, careful not to move too much and disturb it as she takes in its behavior. Her thoughtful silence continues on as he asks about her parents, broken only by the occasional twitch of her eyebrows, a reining in of the immediate and illogical urge to defend her family.

"Crazy Anna shows up... Once a year, probably? Usually in the summer? Things get hot, and I get antsy. I start to have a hard time sleeping, and that's when I know she's going to be here. Most times she sticks around until fall, when the weather cools down. Usually there's a break between Crazy Anna in the hot times of the year and Sad Anna when the winter storms come in from the ocean."

All of this was in preparation for the harder set of questions, which Anna clearly has to focus on keeping a level head to answer. "I'm thirty years old," she forces past the rage at the fact. "I am thirty years old and they treat me like I'm twelve. And I feel so... Stupid and young compared to everyone else my age – or, or younger even. I know Isidor's younger than me, but when I was around her last time I still felt like a child and I hated it."

She closes her eyes and turns her head very slightly away to find her center again. Don't get angry, and especially don't cry. Definitely don't cry after you said you felt like a child. That's only going to prove it to the doctor. She spends a few seconds in silence this way before she returns her attention to him and finishes the rest of his questions.

"If I really had to get away, I could. I know I didn't make a great impression with some folks around here, but, still, they're my brother's friends. I'm sure someone would let me stay with them. But it's never been bad like that. There were some times I wished I could have run away, and... I guess I could have, but... It's scary? Wondering what happens if I do what my parents tell me not to. It's scary. I've never really done that before. Not when I'm Normal Anna, anyway. And besides, it's not like I'm not safe. I know they do it because they want me to be safe. It's just... So boring, that's all. I feel like half my life went by and I didn't get to do anything with it." With a scoff she says, "I guess I could have run away like my brother. Just shoved off to go wallow in my problems somewhere exotic."

She purposefully changes the subject as quickly as she catches herself talking about it. "They don't stop me from going out here in the Nexus, no. No one else really wants to explore it, so they send me to buy supplies. They're all happy staying on the Ixis' property watching over these... Strange little... Manimals he's got..."

[workthroughit]

Regardless of tears being successful in their arrival or not, by the time Anna turns her head back towards the doctor, there's a box of kleenex on her side of the desk. It didn't sound like the doctor moved to fetch or nudge it, so maybe it was just there the whole time and she didn't notice.

Dr. Hill laughs, an actual note of mirth that isn't just a smile or a chuckle, when she mentions the manimals. "Oh, the chao! Little, wobbly pastel creatures? I've seen them from time to time. They seem very friendly! I would imagine caring for them would be more like a daycare than farming. Do you resent the little creatures? Or just your family's willingness to let them be the extent of their Nexus experience?"

And speaking of resentment, Dr. Hill sets aside his pen to address the next point, freeing up his hands for gesturing and talking with them. "I consider the Nexus a place of opportunity. Doors opening to a greater range of futures and possibilities than what would otherwise be. I'm sure you understand that intimately, what with being able to resettle here after the demonic issues back home. But escape shouldn't be the limit of what the Nexus can do for you, Anna." Though he pauses, thinks, and then smiles ruefully. "Well, unless you want to call your attempts at independence an 'escape'."

Dr. Hill straightens up in his chair as he continues. "I don't think any of the resentment you feel is unusual or unwarrented. You are a grown woman. One who may have some underlying issues, yes, but they are issues that can be managed once they're identified and addressed. As it stands, I feel I may already know some ways to do so, as I have some suspicions of what causes 'Crazy Anna' to surface or take over. That all being said, I think the Nexus is a unique and profound opportunity for you especially, Anna. There's no better place to gain knowledge and find your own way."

[weathering_it]

Anna frowns thoughtfully as she listens. Some things he says make more sense than others, and some things feel strangely bitter for a man who isn't exactly sharing her situation. Something about that rueful smile makes her eyebrow twitch, and she thinks immediately of Isidor and her doubts about the man.

"What are you suggesting?" she asks uncertainly. "What do you think I should do, Doctor? To gain knowledge, to have experiences? You seem to have some idea, but... I... I don't think I follow? Are you suggesting I move out? Live on my own, I mean?..."

[workthroughit]

"Mm, not right away, no. It would be best to keep you a stable and familiar environment while we exercise our options with medication and treatment. Are you opposed to that, by any chance? Taking pills to try and help manage your symptoms? It might take a bit of trial and error to see which ones work best for you, but I think once we find that balance, the difference they would make would feel quite dramatic."

Dr. Hill straightens up, letting his chair roll a little closer to the desk. "But I think asserting some independence and gaining some life experience might be right as well, when the time comes. You've been sheltered a great deal out of love, yes, but also out of a misled certainty that your own life would be in shambles if you were left to your own devices. I don't think that's true. Do you?"

[weathering_it]

"Pills?" Anna asks with an incredulous laugh. He can't be serious. Can he? She tilts her head to the side and smiles uncertainly, waiting for a punchline that doesn't come. He moves right on to the subject of independence and moving out, but her mind is still a step behind.

When he's quiet again she asks, "Pills can fix this? You mean like a little tablet? Of medicine? All I have to do is take a pill, and... It just... Goes away?"

But asking a question which to him must seem so ignorant brings her a sense of shame. She pushes it from her mind and focuses instead on the subject which must be more important. Determined, and trying to look more mature than she just had, she shakes her head. "I know my life wouldn't fall apart if I were on my own. If –" She hesitates, nearly says the wrong thing. "My brother can live on his own, there's no reason I can't do the same. I have my stuff together way more than him, even with Crazy Anna."

She watches him momentarily, some unspoken longing in her eyes. Eventually she sheepishly adds, "But if I could take pills and get together a little more... I-I wouldn't be against it..."

[workthroughit]

"Pills wouldn't fix everything, I'm afraid. It wouldn't negate all of your problems or symptoms. But it would make them far, far more manageable. Easier to predict, easier to control. Easier to function day to day without the fear your problems will overwhelm or undo your progress. And since I have your permission, I'll start looking into what doses and medications you should be given going forward." He gives Anna a reassuring smile. "I already have a few in mind that will be good starting points."

Her throwing Harrowheart under the bus doesn't get a comment, but it does get a wry smile. That boy.